Black Rain...

Wow...composed this piece back in early 2004. Its funny sitting here reading over pieces I wrote back then. I ask myself...what was I thinking about? what did I want to happen? its just nothing short of amazing. Excuse the grammatical errors/profanity...this is from 2004; remember.


Alone...
Alone he was....
Alone he is now....

He stands in the darkened room staring at his reflection, or rather the silhouette of his
form in the mirror.
He can see himself clearly....
He has memoriezed every groove and line, every feature and every mark of his face.
He knows hisself thoroughly, but then again does he really?
The room is blanketed in pure silence; not the kind that feeds the soul, brings rest and
peace to the mind; but the kind that leaves you fearful of something...anything and you're
standing there waiting and wishing for something to happen.

Its raining and for the first time in a long time the sound of rain to the dry earth does
nothing to bring him joy. Usually he would be wrapped in the beautiful sonority of the
storms' symphony with the warm and secure cover of sleep over his soul or he would be
seated by the window staring out at nothing, his pen poised above the paper waiting for
fresh inspiration to pour out of him and onto his paper; but not today.
No, see today D'Kavion Laron Rideaux is alone!

No one is there for him, no one can feel his pain and no one can help him.
He stands in the darkness staring at his silhouette in the mirror and reliving the last two
days.

Alone...
He stands alone.....
Black rain falling outside, and on the inside of his soul.... He stands alone, full of pain
and hurt.

'Why?' echoes off of his now-hallow heart. This he asks himself as a fresh stream of tears
pour down the dry surface of his face.

'Why the fuck did this happen to ME!?' He asks to no one in particular.
The fury filled words reverberated off the walls and he can feel their full force.
His mind reels and a sudden numbness viciously grabs ahold of him. He sinks to the floor
weakly.
Images of a crisp breezy autumn day....sunshine and the promise of something in the air
assail him. Images of he and him smiling, loving and feeling light and airy.
Images of happiness and love.....
Images of....and he didn't even see the hint of gray in the horizon behind him. He didn't
really pay attention to the forboding darkness or the edge in the breeze.
All he cared about was the immediate feeling of contentment and security. He cared about
not being alone.

Illusion is what it was. An illusion. A cruel and malicious illusion. D'kavion's body
shakes violently with the onslaught of more tears.
He never asked to be this way. Why was he this way?
'God, can you here me?' He screamed inside. No answer and so there was no peace.
His mind refocuses on Him.
For a brief second, D'kavion smiles through his tears. He is the only brightness of this
black moment.
Throught the tears and snot D'kavion speaks his name hoarsely....'Sebastien.'

Sebastien was the beauty and leverage his soul needed.
Sebastien was that friend and confidante and much, much more. Sebastien was the reason
he hadn't killed himself.
He hadn't killed himself....he didn't kill hisself...he didn't need too...Sebastien would do it
for him.
Memories and shock are a funny occurrence. When a person is in shock or semi-shock it
is very easy for memories to become a fixed reality. Its so very easy to fall and believe
that what the memories induce is actually what you are living at that moment.
D'kavion is trapped in this cycle. Now he sees Sebastien. Its him and D'kavion walking
and talking.
D'kavion stares at him nonstop feeling the love for him grow more and more with each
passing moment. I love him! He thinks to himself. He's resolute. 'Yes, I do love him!'
His smile grows wider and Sebastien's eyes twinkle.

Switch the scene to them alone and seated on a vacant park bench.
It's Sunday and the sun climbed down from its apex more than six hours ago.
The air is chilled and the dull grayness in the horizon has smoothly spread itself against
the sky. Neither man notices it.
Sebastien is rambling about something having to do with sports.
D'kavion sits there staring deep into his hazel eyes feeling volumes of unspoken love.

"Yo, D! Man you ain't paying attention is you?"

D'kavion snaps out of his adoration in time to catch Sebastien's grammatical error. He
smiles even more; its another one of those little things that makes him like 'ba-ba' as he
affectionately calls him.

"Yeah, I'm paying attention ba-ba." He says.

"Aiight, then what did I say?" Sebastien asks laughing.

"You got me B" D'kavion replies throwing his hands up.

Sebastien and he share a laugh and quickly sink into a quiet moment.

Sebastien turns toward him, a weird look on his face.

"Yo, D, can I ask you a very personal question?"

D'kavion sobers up and faces him. "Sure. What is it?"

Sebastien stares at him for a minute or two, not speaking and his look begins to freak
D'kavion out a little.

"Well come on pa, are you going to ask the question or stare at me?' D says with a
nervous laugh. Sebastien turns to stare out over the park, his profile to D'kavion.

"Yo, man this is hard for me to ask aiight. I don't know why but I need you to be truly
honest with me aiight?" He says looking intensely into D'Kavion's eyes.

"Oh...aiight ba-ba, I will." D'kavion replies suddenly feeling his stomach flip upside down
with a sick fear.

"Aiight, check it. You know I've been here for you for a long time and you've been my
nigga since we were grasshoppers right?" D'kavion nodds, his stomach constantly
dropping with each moment.

"Aiight. You know I was practically the only one that stood by you when you found out
you liked niggas; even when all of your other peeps and some of your family turned their
backs on you right?"

'Oh shit! What is he getting at' D'kavion asks himself while nodding his head.

"So what I need to know is knowing that you get down and all that shit, do you ever think
about me like that? I mean John and Nissy all say you're in love with me and you be
looking at me all lovey-dovey like and shit. I just want to know if its true. Do you love
me?" He asks the last question hesitantly.

Unease infiltrates the silence and both sit looking out over the park. So much is going on
inside of D'kavion. He could lie and not say anything or he could just be the man that he
is and be honest.
For the first time that day he notices that the sun is hidden and the sky is a burnished gray.
The slow feeling of dread subtly creeps over him from his feet on up. He turns to
Sebastien only to find those hazel eyes filled with an unreadable expression, trained on
him. He holds Sebastien's gaze and the words come out in a whisper.

"Yeah, Sebastien; I love you. I'm in love with you and I've loved you since I could remember..."

His words trail off and both of them sit there locked in an intense gaze. D'kavion feeling
strangely bereft and empty.
Sebastien's face seems calm but there is a faint fire burning deep in his eyes. D'kavion
involuntarily moves back a bit. A deafning burst of thunder shatters the peace and startles
D'kavion. He looks up at the sky and then back to Sebastien. He moves back even more.
Sebastien's face is contorted in a grimace of disgust and contempt. "What the fuck did
you just say?" He asks calmly through tight lips.
D'kavion says nothing, fear begins to rise up and questions of 'why' flood his mind.

"What the fuck did you just say you pussy-ass muthafucka? You LOVE ME?" Sebastien
leaps up fully startling D'kavion and with another blast of thunder D suddenly finds
himself on the ground in pain and more pain.
Above him Sebastien is beating the dog shit out of him and calling him every vile name
that can be uttered.
"Fuckin' Bitch-ass pussy! You love me? I've been bypassing the fact that were a batty-boy
and all that gay shit and you been secretly feeling me...wanting me? That shit is foul
muthafucka!"
The beating continues.
Hit after hit.
He begins to stomp him.
D'kavion lays on the ground, face bloody and through the tears he stares up at the man
he's fallen in love with. There is no understanding why this is going on.
A single word pierces the air only to be drowned out by another rumble of thunder.

WHY????

The images fade and his mind adjusts to the real reality he occupies. He lies on the carpet,
wet with his tears and snot. His beautiful face is again marred with the many bruises and
cuts and his body is completely in pain.
He came home and no one cared.
His father told him that's what a dick-sucking nigga gets.
His mother just stood there saying nothing.

He's been in the room ever since.
He tried calling Sebastien but no answer. He remembers him telling him that if he ever
got near him again, he would kill him!
Despair filters in adding to the burden of hurt and numbness.
D'kavion reaches under his bed and pulls the gun from under.
Another fresh wave of tears blur his vision as his hand closes around the cold and
indifferent feel of the the .45.

The gun is loaded and he raises it to his head.
No hesitation, just the desire to be finally rid of the pain and be at peace.
As he pulls the trigger to the gun, he never hears the sound of pounding on his room door.
He never hears Sebastien's voice pleading with him to open up, apologizing and begging
for forgiveness.
No other sound fills his ears, nor any other thought; his mental cavity.
Only the white hot explosion and cold feel of the bullet as it penetrates his temple.
His eyes never witnesses the frantic Sebastien beating the door down, and screaming 'Oh
Shit!'
The only sound anyone can ever remember is...

BANG!

Alone...
Alone he was....
Alone he is......
Alone he will remain.....

© 2004